Seven years ago, I lost someone so dear to me. He showed me a past I never could’ve imagined. Losing him taught me to look at life in a whole new way and experiencing that sort of intense grief opened my eyes and got me thinking about life.
His arrival was unanticipated,
accidental and unwanted at that time, therefore causing mixed emotions- it was
fear over happiness! Yes, the evil thought of having an abortion crossed my
mind at one point (who would not be terrified
and confused because of an unwanted pregnancy?) but the sense of right and
wrong guided me to do the right thing (God
had a plan) and to this day, I have never regret making the right decision
of bringing him to this world rather than being a selfish coward.
I found out about my pregnancy during the time
when I feel like everything in my life was going extremely well, all the things
I wanted and dreamed of is plainly coming my way - except for the roller
coaster relationship I was having with my (then)
boyfriend- his dad.
And so came the most awaited day January 24, 2004....I
gave birth to a baby boy. For the moment, all my fears (in raising a child on my own
since living with his dad has never become an option for me just because he got
me pregnant), the physical pain, emotional hurting and mental torture
coming from the different reactions of some judgmental people disappeared when
I held him in my arms. Seeing his angelic face, touching his tiny little hands
& feet, hearing him cry for the first time and watching him instantly feel safe
knowing I’m around was truly a priceless thing any woman could ever ask for! It’s a feeling of ecstasy and fulfillment.
That moment made me forget all
the worries…until 2 months later after his birth he was diagnosed having a
congenital liver disease known as Billiary Atresia, a rare condition that requires
a liver transplant (though not a hundred
percent guarantee that the patient will survive. – It all depends on how his
body will react with the new liver.) Yes, another distressing, tear-jerking
issue to deal with (that moment I
questioned God that maybe he is getting a bit over confident in testing my
strength)! Since then we have been in and out of the hospital which has
literally become his home for 1.5 years.
Watching him in pain, being
exposed to a major operation at such an early age beyond doubt gives an
excruciating feeling…causing me to almost give up and breakdown many times yet
every time I see his sweet smile while in pain abruptly revives me and gets me
going again– it’s like his eyes are telling me “Mommy, it’s going to be okay.”
At that time I was so convinced
that the reassuring look upon his face was a sign that he’d be better and we will
happily live together. I was dreaming about lots of good things of me and Jar together like hearing his first few
baby talks, seeing him in his cute little school uniform, teaching him sing his
first nursery rhyme, taking him out, buying him toys, etc. yet I was wrong maybe
he meant, “Mommy, you will be okay as God and I are preparing you to be
stronger when I leave.”
His passing away was the foremost
painful experience I ever had in my life. It’s like half of me died as well.
Hatred, sorrow & self-pity sink in immediately after. I lost the will to
live at some time… But it is indeed true that when you have a strong faith, no
matter how lost you were you will still find your way back…thankfully I did!
I still couldn’t figure out what
was God’s purpose but I stopped questioning. All I am certain is that Jar has become an instrument to make me
see life in a different perspective now and opened my eyes that I should never
let myself settle for someone /anything less as I deserve nothing but the best.
I knew how it’s like to lose the
people you love (whether it’s losing a
love one because of death, break-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or even
misplacing something very precious), I know how difficult it is & how
lost and empty you can feel until you learn to live around it.
As for me, having & losing Jar taught me many great things (the hard way)… I learned how it’s like
to fall, be lost, miserable and when to get back up and give my life a
direction over again. I have learned to appreciate and give importance to the things
and people around me even more. (We
should, you should…. while they are still around.)
Once in our existence, we all
have been impulsive, stubborn, irresponsible, and rebellious, we never listen
to what our parents or love ones has to say, why they set rules and more often
we misinterpret why they get angry… We blindly see the fact that (although not always possible) they are
just trying to shield us from the pain and trouble of having to face the
consequences of our wrong actions / decisions.
There will come a time that destiny
will test each of us where in we will have to make choices on our own no matter
how our love ones try to guard us… when it does arise we must all be courageous
and sensible enough to battle with it and should never let any sort of failure stop
us from getting back our grip. Every life’s tests help us become stronger and prepare
us for the next big challenge. We must look
at it as a detour not a dead-end, like a highway towards victory!
This episode of my life left a
great impact on how I positively see things now. Not only because it taught me
to look at every failure as a stepping stone to success but it made me believe
as well that losing someone indeed has a purpose… you don’t need to know the
reasons why because later on you will see the answers coming your way
unexpectedly. I may not know it still but I am positive that I will in time….I
have been through failed relationships, lost a love one & encountered
difficulties but I made a choice to stand up and not be miserable forever- for
myself, for my family, for the people who care for me and for my angel Jar.
